I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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