if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
