Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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