Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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