So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
