I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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