this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
my god I love twenty year old dicks
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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