Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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