The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize