so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
