never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
