I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just want to make out with him forever
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
