i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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