When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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