This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
