I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
