me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
