WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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