I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
