im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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