I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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