Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
