forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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