yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
