Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
