I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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