Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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