There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
