im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
