you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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