well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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