I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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