I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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