Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
