I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
