I'm jealous of your bromance
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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