That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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