??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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