Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
