Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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