I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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