I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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