i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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