this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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