EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
