Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
