Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
