Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
