Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
