"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
