It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
