stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
