How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
