fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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