i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
