dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
