I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
