New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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