census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
