I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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