It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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